


Duck Duck Goose

by plausiblephenomenon



Category: Simon Snow & Related Fandoms
Genre: Alternate Universe - The Soulmate Goose of Enforcement, Crack, M/M, Not Canon Compliant, Penny POV, Penny accidentally sets up Baz and Simon via magical goose, Pre-Book 2: Wayward Son, Simon wrestles said magical goose
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-05
Updated: 2019-11-05
Packaged: 2021-01-23 09:36:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21318019
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/plausiblephenomenon/pseuds/plausiblephenomenon
Summary: Penny is done with Baz pretending to be an emotionless edgelord and summons a magical goose to prove it. Nonsense ensues.
Relationships: Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Comments: 2
Kudos: 61





	Duck Duck Goose

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Vreldmant](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15169835) by [mikkimouse](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mikkimouse/pseuds/mikkimouse). 

“Oh, shove it, Baz - we all know you’re not an emotionless twat so you should stop pretending. The faster you do, the sooner we can move on,” Penny sighed, exasperated by how much his performance was stilting their progress. There were things to do, people! Priorities to have! And certainly no time to bother with a moody vampire’s insistence that he isn’t.

“Oh, up yours, Bunce. I’m doing no such thing, and am _entirely_ willing to move forward, unlike a certain _someone_.” He glares at Simon where he’s sitting on his bed, legs hanging off the side, passing sword from hand to hand. “And Merlin, Snow, put that thing away already.”

“I like having it out! It’s nice.” He pauses. “...And kinda fun.” Baz sneers and rolls his eyes.

“Well, point is, _I_ am _entirely_ unconvinced you wouldn’t just take your family’s side, however ‘unattached’ you insist you are to them!” He scoffs again.

“Well we’re at an impasse, then, aren’t we, Bunce? Unless you’d like to go with plan D instead.” They were already on C, and plan D put Simon in significantly more danger than C, but there was no reason B couldn’t work if he’d just admit he shouldn’t be positioned in conflict with his family! And - not to sound like Simon or anything - but Penelope couldn’t help but be wary. If he was, hypothetically, plotting, then he had all the motivation in the world to want to be the sole defender of the front his family is entering on, and that wasn’t a risk she was willing to take. 

Finally at her frustration limit, Penelope pointed her ring in his direction.

“You aren’t an emotionless hunk of clay, and admit it now, or I’ll prove it myself.” His sneer is expected, but disappointing.

“You wouldn’t.”

“**Duck duck goose!**” She watches as Baz’s face contorts, initially in confusion and then in horror as a goose with a faint green glow appears out of nowhere, popping into existence in the middle of the room. Penny crosses her arms, not trying to hide the smug look on her face. Simon, unsurprisingly, points his sword at it, and she waves him off.

“Let’s see who you’re a perfect match for, then, hmm?” Baz tries to look intimidating at her, sneering as per usual.

“Call it _off_, Bunce.” 

“No.” She doesn’t stop smiling as the goose walks up to him, but it’s her turn to be confused as it just ruffles its feathers and settles onto the floor, staring at Baz expectantly.

“What… _is_ that thing?” Simon asks, still pointing his sword at it, but looking less like he’s going to attack it at the next gust of wind. 

“It’s -,” she blinks, unable to believe that any of her spells wouldn’t work. Her spells always worked. “It’s a goose, and chases you until you find and kiss the person the spell determines is best suited for you romantically. It doesn’t disappear until you do that, and doesn’t stop chasing you until you find the person. If there isn’t someone, then it just doesn’t show up.” 

“So… what’s it mean if it’s just, sitting there?” She takes a moment to think about it.

“I guess it means you’re already right by them?” The goose gets up and waddles over to Simon, who quickly slices through it with his sword, and watches it disappear in a poof of green sparks. He laughs.

“Or apparently until you kill it.” Penny sighs, shaking her head. 

“If you try to kill it-,” another identical goose appears in the room in front of Baz, “another just takes its place.” This new goose waddles over to Simon and he looks down at it in horror. There’s only half a second before he bolts over to the window, goose close behind, and he throws the window open. Soon, Penny and Baz are gaping as Simon wrestles the goose, trying to toss it out the window.

“Simon, that won’t help, it’ll just find another way in-”

“Geese can also _fly_, Snow! And I don’t want to be kept up by some goose refusing to leave our window!”

He seems to not be listening, as he pushes the goose out the window - almost flinging himself with it, but not quite - and slamming the window behind it. It flaps angrily and pecks at the window, occasionally honking.

“What now?” he asks, slightly out of breath from the goose-wrestling session. Penny laughs.

“It’ll go away when Baz kisses who the spell thinks he’s most suited for…” she suppresses another chuckle as Baz gives her a distinct glare. “...which, based on context clues, is you, haha,” she walks to the door. “I’ll see myself out, meet me in the library to finish up the planning, you two. I do not need to be here for this.” Closing the door behind her, she waits a beat, then stifles another laugh at the sudden lack of goose honking, and hurriedly makes her way down the stairs at the following slam of _something_ \- what that something is, she doesn’t want to know.


End file.
